


and miles to go before i sleep

by rainingstars_midnightskies



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BOM Keith, Character Study, Dissociation, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gen, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith's Self-Sacrifice Attempt, Keith-Centric, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Original Character(s), Post-Season/Series 05, au where s6e2 doesn't happen, broganes, post s5
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-04 07:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14588304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainingstars_midnightskies/pseuds/rainingstars_midnightskies
Summary: "How are you?""I don't know.""Who are you?""…I don't know."





	1. i am one acquainted with the night

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i love my red son, but he's destined to suffer. i hope he isn't too ooc. please let me know if he is and i will fix it.  
> like any of my fics, the updating on this one won't be regular, and chapters are going to be short. i hope you guys stick around to read more, though. i'm excited to see how this will develop.  
> the title of this fic, as well as chapter titles, are lines from robert frost's poems.
> 
> this chapter, especially the first half, goes really well with music in the key of b-flat minor. here's some stuff that fits it.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX58n8mnT5c
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F30G87zlRPw
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Heku0XZbxZ4
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJtxgP3Cf08

_i am a death seeker_

_with poison in my lungs_

_and blades in my hands._

 

* * *

 

Keith can’t really tell what’s real and what isn’t anymore.

In the middle of the night, when the mirage of flames bursts around him and his body is burned to the bone, he wakes up and fights. He is hyper-aware of every heartbeat, every cell in his body…and yet suspended in a numbness far from reality, battling soulless gladiators in an inferno of ferocity that threatens to consume him whole.

This whole routine of his is strangely reminiscent of the life he lived in the Castle, but without its warmth, without its familiar turquoise lights, without the bridge’s lively bustle. Here, everything is dark. The walls are black, the dim lights poison-purple. Every slash of his knife is a piece of his lifeforce lost to death, every movement another irreversible step into the abyss.

It gets worse on his missions. It’s like a vacuum inside his head, eating up everything he is. _Keith_ becomes the glint on the blade of his knife, the blood pouring from his bicep; he is nothing but the body that moves as gracefully as a dancer’s, nothing but the cries erupting from his own throat as if someone else has stolen his voice. _Keith_ is the ship that slams into him and pins him briefly to the wall of the enemy hangar, and his own footsteps, carrying him away to safety.

 _Keith_ is the quiet hum of his stolen ship’s engine as he pilots Kolivan and Ilun back to the base, away from the explosion behind them. _Keith_ is the soft synth-leather at his back, the glass control panel at his fingertips, the nerve-searing agony in his right arm and his stomach. _Keith_ is the all-pervading silence that smothers every word he hears.

The stars are familiar, a guiding light. He watches the tiny blue one that he always sees in the distance after a mission.

They land without much ado. He steps onto the metal floor of the hangar. The calm, monotonous voice of reason takes over his empty mind. First he’ll head back to his room and shower; then he’ll bandage his arm, and get in a pod for a couple of minutes; then he’ll get something to eat; and then finally he’ll get a little bit of sleep. In four hours, they have another reconnaissance mission with one of their rebel allies on Kraydah’s moon. Rinse and repeat.

Keith ignores the gaping pit in his chest as he makes his way to his room. He bumps into his neighbor Safir in the hallway, mumbling a “Sorry” to the masked man as he unlocks his door and stumbles in. The blood loss is getting to him.

The hot water stings. Keith clutches at the gash on his arm, taking deep, slow breaths. _It’s fine._ Even if he passes out or something, Kolivan or Safir will find him and put him in a pod. He might not get the sleep he wants, but he’ll just have to suck it up until the recon mission is over. It’s only a few hours long.

Somewhere in between the uneven moments, _Keith_ becomes the droplets of water hitting the black tiled floor, the tiny sparkles in the stone. He becomes aware of the blackness underlying everything he can see, as if the whole world is but a film playing on a flimsily hidden screen. Patches of it peek through every so often—old layers of paint, breaking through the wallpaper of reality. His stomach hurts. The skin is raw and red where the ship scraped against him.

 _Ah_ …he’s going to faint soon.

The bleeding’s stopped. He slips into the bottom half of his undersuit and doesn’t have energy to struggle into the tight-fitting top. Pulling a loose robe over himself, Keith hits the button on the wall. _Emergency Assistance,_ it says in Galran. He’s been teaching himself to read it. For what, he doesn’t know. The angular letters make sense to him; the words flow easily from his tongue, the way blood does from a wound.

For a moment, _Keith_ is the glowing purple script on the wall.

The door opens and Keith stumbles into the arms of whoever’s arrived to take him to the infirmary. They manhandle him onto a stretcher as the black canvas pokes through once more; he lets himself go, lets the abyss swallow him up.

 

*    *    *

 

“Keith.”

Light. He opens his eyes. It’s not bright enough.

“You’re awake.” Kolivan folds his arms. He’s got his mask on.

Keith glances up and realizes he’s in a _bed,_ not a cryo-pod. Why? Shouldn’t he be out—

“You missed the recon mission.”

“What?!” Keith bolts upright. “I could’ve gone with you!”

“You are in no condition to carry out any task.” The three dots on Kolivan’s mask glare austerely down at him. “You have sustained significant blood loss. The pod will not repair any more.”

“What…how? I just got a cut…”

“You also suffered a concussion and near-fatal internal bleeding in the stomach area. You will rest. Your next mission is in seven quintants. Safir will be taking care of you.”

Suddenly _Keith_ is the menacing poison-purple light, the odd distortion of Kolivan’s voice through the mask. _Keith_ is the sheets slipping under his too-dry palms, the panic reverberating through his too-slow system.

“Seven…quintants?” he repeats slowly.

“If you are not recovered by that time, you will no longer be required here.” Kolivan squares his shoulders and leaves the room.

 _Keith_ is the black hole in his own head.

 

*    *    *

 

Someone comes in an hour later. Keith opens his eyes. He couldn’t sleep.

“Hey,” says Safir, mask off. He’s about Shiro’s age, handsome and half-Galra with crystal-blue eyes. “You doing all right, Keith?”

“Yeah,” he answers, sitting up. “I’m fine. Just…tired.”

“Well, I wanted to tell you that these seven days are…not just bed rest, you know? Kolivan said you’re free to go where you want. Do what you want. Kolivan may not tell you so, but he’s kind of worried.” Safir smiles kindly. “Take this time to unwind. I think it’ll be good for you.”

“Go where I want, huh?” Keith’s hands clench a little bit around the covers.

“Yeah. Anywhere in the universe, man.” Safir grins.

Keith’s chest is aching deeply with some kind of longing. Wherever he wants to go. “Okay. Thanks, Safir.”

“No problem.” Safir takes the little water pitcher from Keith’s dresser and pours him a glass. “Don’t get into any fights. Well, as much as you can bear to, anyway.” He winks.

Keith takes the glass of water and almost cracks a smile. “Yeah. Thanks.”

Safir leaves, and Keith chances a look at the handheld communicator Kolivan issued him when he arrived here. It’s been sitting on his nightstand, gathering dust, for over a month. Maybe…

Well, he could certainly call the team and tell them about his mom. _Krolia._ It doesn’t feel real. He doesn’t see her very often, since she’s usually off on her own missions. She won’t be back for another two days.

At least Keith can talk to her a little bit. Find out some more. Ask her about Earth, about his dad.

He glances at the communicator again. Can he really do that if he goes to visit the team?

Maybe it’s not worth it. He can just tell them about it later…

 _But when is ‘later?’_ nags a tiny, annoying voice. _When will you go back? How long is this going to go on?_

Keith grabs the communicator and dials Team Voltron.

_“…Keith?”_

Of _course_ it’s Lance. He’s always glued to his phone. Keith sighs. “Hey.”

_“What’s going on? Did something happen?”_

Concern, albeit distant. Despite his empty blank head, he feels something warm blooming in his chest. “Yeah, kind of. I got hurt and Kolivan sentenced me to a week of rest.”

There’s a laugh on the other end. _“Sentenced you, huh…How bad did you get hurt? Crack your head open or something? I mean, I don’t think Kolivan’s the type to let you rest easy like that.”_

“I got hit by a ship,” Keith states. “I fainted or something. I don’t really remember.”

_“…Jeez, Keith. Kolivan’s being reasonable after all.”_

“I guess.”

_“Anyway, why’d you call? What’s going on over there?”_

“I…” Keith is at a loss for words. _I wanted to come home? I wanted to see the team? I wanted to ask if I could visit? I finally found my mother?_

 _“It’s okay if you just wanted to talk, man, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Sorry. Um…”_ Lance laughs awkwardly.

Keith feels a stupid grin growing on his face and wipes it off. “No,” he blurts. “I…I guess…um…can I talk to Shiro for a second?”

Lance’s tone suddenly grows distant again. _“Oh, yeah. Sure. Just a sec.”_

A moment passes and he hears Shiro’s voice. _“Keith. What’s going on? Lance said you got hurt.”_

Keith relaxes instantly. “Yeah. Kolivan gave me a week of rest.”

_“That’s good. Since you have a break now, maybe you should come visit.”_

“Yeah.” Keith smiles a little bit. “I think I will.”

_“Let us know when. You could even come today, if you want.”_

“Actually…Shiro, there’s something I have to tell everyone. It’s important.”

_“Okay. Give me a second. I’ll hook you up to the big screen.”_

Keith switches to visual mode and waits as the connection flickers back to life.

There. Everyone’s there. Lance, Shiro, Allura, Pidge, Hunk, Coran, Matt…Lotor, staring out of the huge picture window…

“Hey,” Keith whispers, nervousness coiling in the pit of his stomach.

Hunk grins. “That’s the first time we’ve heard you talk in months! Nice to see you, man.”

Keith lets himself smile just a little bit. “It’s nice to see you guys too.”

“So, Keith, what did you want to tell us?” Allura looks up at the screen expectantly.

“Well…”

 _Keith_ is the glass of water in his hand, the soft purple light in the room.

“I found…my mom.”

Gasps all around. “Where’d you find her?” Pidge pipes up.

“On a mission. She was a spy for the Blade of Marmora in Ranveig’s camp. I had to retrieve her, and…yeah.”

“ _Dude_ ,” Lance chimes, “that’s amazing! Is she with you?”

“No. She’s out on a mission. She’ll be back in a couple days.”

“We’re so proud of you, Keith,” Allura says, smiling. “I suppose you were always meant to see her again.”

“Yeah.” Keith’s smile grows just a little bigger. “So I’m gonna visit after she comes back. Maybe we can come there together or something.”

“That’d be great.” Shiro smiles at him. “I’m sure all of us would love to meet her.”

“Yeah!” they all chorus.

There’s a sudden blaring from the alarm at Coran’s console. “Oh, _quiznak!_ There’s a Galra fleet after us—it must be one of the rebel commanders!”

“We’ll talk to you later, Keith,” Shiro says, staring up at him. Keith nods and moves to hang up; just as the screen flickers to black, he sees Matt staring up at him, an odd mix of confusion and concern in his bright, intelligent eyes. Keith instantly knows what that’s about. How can he ever forget?

That dampens his spirits instantly. “Guess I can’t keep running forever,” he whispers to no one in particular.

 

*    *    *

 

In his dreams, he sees them. Kolivan. Lance. Shiro. Matt. He’s running after them; further and further, they recede from his reaching hand, until he finally manages to catch up with them. He reaches out again, and makes to grab Lance’s shoulder.

But he passes right through him, and realizes no one was ever there.

 _Keith_ is the emptiness that surrounds him as he stares out at a blank horizon.


	2. the time was neither wrong nor right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith has some realizations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music for this chapter is in the keys of e-flat major and c minor. here are some songs, in order:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6-zauGNsSw (skip to 0:33)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKOM3lNFajE
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaVNIzzzYyE
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGs7MC1QfvM
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsqjhBnVDNA

_ i wish i had known _

_ that between birth and death _

_ lies an ocean of melancholy. _

 

* * *

 

—the first day—

 

In the morning (or what the clocks say is morning), Keith wakes to a knock on his door. He stands to answer it; his head spins, and suddenly  _ Keith  _ is an odd, unfamiliar reflection in the mirror on the wall. 

“Keith, you okay in there?” It’s Safir’s voice, coming through as if muffled by six inches of glass.

“Yeah,” Keith says, rubbing his forehead and opening the door. “Hey.”

“Yo.” Safir raises a hand in greeting. “I wanted to check on you. Everything going okay?” 

“Yeah. I’m just dizzy.”  _ Keith _ is the shadow in Safir’s blue eyes. He feels his head going oddly empty again.

“That’s pretty normal. You lost a lot of blood yesterday.” Safir smiles sympathetically. “Have you planned on going anywhere?”

“I was thinking of going to visit Team Voltron,” Keith confesses. “After Krolia gets back.”

“Ah, you used to be part of the team, right? It’s always nice to see old friends.”

_Old friends._ _Keith_ is the twinge of pain that the phrase triggers. He stares down at his feet. “Yeah.”

“Well, just ping me if you need anything.” Safir turns around. “I’ll fly you where you need to go for a couple days. I don’t trust you alone.”

Keith doesn’t have the energy to say no as the man heads for his own room across the hall. “Thanks.”

Safir raises a hand in acknowledgement. His door closes with a soft  _ whoosh. _

_ Well…what to do now? _ Keith leans against the doorjamb. He can train. There’s really nothing else he can think of. He closes his own door behind him.

As he starts off down the dim hallway,  _ Keith _ becomes the urge to disappear into a whirling mass of endorphins and dancing limbs. His feet move faster, and still faster, and then he’s sprinting all the way to the training deck. The door can’t slide open fast enough, so Keith slips through it sideways. The mechanical gladiator is already there to greet him. It’s not like the one in the Castle, that has to be activated by voice command before the fight begins. If anyone walks in this room, they have to be prepared to defend themselves immediately.

Keith ducks under its sudden slash. An easy slice through the leg and the thing is grounded, swiping uselessly at him with a sword that’s just a little too short to reach him. 

He goes to the control panel by the door and turns the difficulty dial up one notch; unlike the Castle, this place isn’t voice-controlled, and there are big picture windows on every side of the room so that everyone walking past the training room can watch him get hacked to pieces if he fails. The gladiator can’t fail, either. Any body parts that get cut off are quickly regenerated by the drop of quintessence in its core.

Immediately, he hears footsteps behind him.  _ Clang! _ He meets the gladiator’s sword with his own, pouring his entire body into the crescent-shaped movement of his feet, the sharp precise strike of his sword.  _ Keith _ is the sweep of his leg as he trips the gladiator and stabs its neck joint; he is its empty robotic head, rolling across the ground. 

One more  _ click _ of the dial and the gladiator is moving toward him  _ faster. _ Keith feels his body moving completely independently of his mind, blocking and slashing and ducking and slicing quicker than any of his nerves can feel it. He barely registers the sudden searing pain in his shoulder, right where he was injured the very first time he came to this base. He only notices when the door opens and the gladiator is knocked aside and deactivated by someone in full armor.

“Keith,” says the voice. His blood runs cold.

“…Kolivan?”

The impassive Galra face regards him as Kolivan’s mask disappears. “You were supposed to be resting.”

Keith pushes himself up to his feet and exhales, bowing his head. “I’m sorry.”

Kolivan doesn’t say another word. Keith heads straight for the cryo-pods, feeling as if he’s about to burst out of his own skin.

 

* * *

 

It doesn’t take long for the injury to heal. It’s just a shallow cut. Keith comes out uneasy and ready to burst. He has to get out of here. His legs carry him to Safir’s door, and before he knows it he’s knocking urgently. The door opens with a soft  _ swish _ . 

Safir’s eyes widen at the sight. “Keith. Do you need something?”

“I need to go somewhere,” he hears himself say. 

“Voltron?”

He shakes his head, meeting Safir’s gaze. “Just  _ away _ .”

Safir smiles kindly. “I know just the place. Get changed and we’ll head out.”

“Changed?”

“I don’t think you’ll want to stay in that uniform.” Safir winks. “Meet me at the hangar.”

_ …Huh. _ He heads into his room obediently and changes into his usual clothes. Cropped red jacket, black pants, black shirt, boots. The whole outfit smells kind of musty from sitting in here for so long. He looks in the mirror once he’s dressed, and then  _ Keith  _ is maybe the kid he was before this whole mess began. Before Krolia, before the Blade, before Voltron, before Shiro came back, before Shiro disappeared, before his dad died, before his mom disappeared—

No, he realizes. There was never a  _ before. _ He was always meant to be here. Always meant to…

The thought is horribly sobering. Keith doesn’t try to look in any mirrors after that.

In the hangar, he spots Safir’s blue face instantly. The man raises his hand and waves. “Hey, Keith!”

His tone is remarkably lighthearted. He could’ve sounded like Lance for a second. Keith shakes off the thought and jogs over.

They climb into a standard Galra fighter, albeit with an extra seat. It’s right by a small window in the back. Safir gets into the pilot’s seat, so Keith takes the window seat and glues his gaze to the stars.

Safir doesn’t speak a word the entire time.  _ Keith _ fades into the cold glass window. Black space wraps around him like a blanket, and then the stars are all around him, within him. Stars in red and blue and white, purple nebulas and pink-yellow clouds and green meteorite belts fill the space that holds his soul;  _ Keith _ is the silence, is the ever-expanding universe.  _ Keith _ is everything and yet nothing.

In the stretching, dancing moments, Keith feels that he is at the precipice of some profound truth. 

The fighter descends. He looks out of the windshield and feels his heart rising.

Vast swathes of forest-green stretch out to infinity. The clouds are thin and white, the ground springy and grassy; Safir lands the fighter on a patch of leaves and smiles back at him. “Come on. The atmosphere’s safe to breathe here.”

God, it’s been so  _ long. _ The last time he was in a beautiful place like this was in Senfama months ago, and he didn’t get to enjoy that at all. He stretches, basking in the warm sunlight, and feels almost like he’s back on Earth.

“I’ll wait for you in the ship,” says Safir. “Go explore.”

He doesn’t need any more convincing. He takes off running, feeling the wind rush past him. The grass rustles softly beneath his feet, his steps thumping as if a deep heartbeat is rumbling through the vast earth. 

Hours pass. He pushes aside curtains of vines and finds little babbling brooks, canopies of trees, birds’ nests, alien animals’ abandoned dens. He’d never noticed the noise in his head until now. Deep beneath the smothering layer of emptiness in his mind is a whirling, chaotic hurricane of disjointed thoughts. The forest lays even that to rest.

Hours later, he steps into what is seemingly a clearing and finds himself standing above the shore of a vast lake. His legs carry him down the mild slope; lying down on the hill, he feels his body settling into the soft soil. The clouds scud lazily past, puffy and white. It’s just like Earth.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he finds himself thinking that Lance would have loved this. Coran had mentioned Lance’s homesickness many months ago when he asked Keith what  _ rain _ was like. He doesn’t know why that’s coming to mind now. 

Moments tick past slowly. He feels the exhaustion lying dormant deep in his bones seeping into the rest of his body. He hasn’t had a single moment to relax in nearly a year. It’s been that long since they left Earth…

_ Wow, _ he finds himself thinking as his eyes drift shut.  _ I wonder if we’ll ever go back. _

 

* * *

 

He awakens to the feeling of drops on his face. The raindrops are dancing, whirling in the air in a magnificent ballet, and the sky has turned red-orange with the fire of a silent sunset. It just makes him think of Lance even more. 

He shakes the thoughts from his head and stands up. He shouldn’t have spent so long here. Safir was waiting for him. What if he left? 

It takes him twenty minutes to return to the landing spot. Safir’s ship is still there; he feels an odd mix of guilt and relief at the sight. 

“You’re here,” Safir says, yawning when he steps into the fighter. “Let’s go.”

“I’m sorry,” Keith says, staring at the floor. “I fell asleep.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” Safir waves him off. “I finished a report I had to make to Kolivan. He would’ve scalped me if it was late.”

Keith cracks a smile. Safir grins back, his face lighting up, and starts up the fighter.

On the way back to the base, Safir glances back and asks, “How was it? Did you calm down a little?”

Keith stiffens a little at the question, then decides he doesn’t have much to lose with this guy anyway. “Yeah. I did. Thanks, Safir.”

“No problem, man.” Safir gives him a thumbs-up. “Glad to know I could help.”

Keith feels a small smile pulling at his lips. 

Back at the base, Keith finds Krolia waiting for him.

“You’re back early,” he says hesitantly, standing his ground as Krolia steps forward. 

“We finished the mission relatively quickly,” she says, gazing at him with something deep and profound in her eyes. “Come with me. I want to show you something.”

“Wait—” Keith hurries after her as her large strides carry her through the dark hallways and out onto the observation deck. No one ever comes here. A large glass hemisphere curves over the room, revealing a starry vista that stretches out into infinity. The light of the massive star beside the base dyes the room cerulean. 

“I wanted you to see this,” Krolia says, staring out into infinity. “When I left Earth, this was the first place I came to. I never wanted to forget you or your father.”

“The first…”

She reaches out and points one finger at the small-looking red-purple-blue nebula to the northeast. “If you keep going that way for a long, long time, you’ll reach Earth. After every mission, I came here, just so that I could remember why I left.”

_ Keith _ is the hot sting of tears in his eyes. “…And why was that?”

Krolia turns to him, smiling softly. “To protect the one I most love. You.”

 

* * *

 

Keith stares at the ceiling of his room, wide awake. Krolia’s words are swirling in his mind, a furious whirlwind of  _ did she mean it? was she telling the truth? is that really why she left? was i in danger? why didn’t Dad tell me anything? _

And _ if she left to protect who she loved, and it hurt me so badly, then didn’t I do the same thing to… _

Pressing his hands against his face, Keith rolls over and stares at the communicator on the bedside table. It’s burning at his body, the desire, the  _ need _ to go back.

To go home.

Maybe…maybe he  _ will _ visit them. Just for a little while.

The next morning, Keith stops Safir in the hallway. “Safir. I need you to help me out.”

“Absolutely,” says his neighbor, smiling kindly. “What do you need?”

He squares his shoulders.  _ Keith _ is the fire in his chest. 

“Take me back to Team Voltron.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed this chapter! season 6 KILLED me. SPOILERS AHEAD! 
> 
> there were a lot of things i didn't agree with, but the biggest one was the two-year timeskip in episode two. it felt…lazy, to say the least, although i really enjoyed the flashbacks and krolia's development. i included one of her lines from that episode in this chapter.   
> i'm also annoyed that lance didn't get much development at all this season, although if my theories prove correct then s7 will kickstart his arc. here's hoping that my dear blue boy gets the love and attention he deserves.   
> as always, please be sure to leave a comment if you can! any feedback is highly appreciated. thanks so much for reading, and see you next chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed this chapter! please comment if you can. i really appreciate it :)


End file.
